Ever since I was a little girl, I have always taken a vacation in the summer. Both of my parents used to be teachers, so summer was the only time we could vacation. Every year, a new adventure would await...trips to Florida, trips to the ocean, trips up and down the east coast. Looking back, I realize just how blessed I was to have all these vacations with my family.
Last year, we took our "summer" vacation a little bit early. We did a road trip across the U.S.A. at the end of April with good friends of ours. About a month or so before we left, we found out I was pregnant, so we thought "ok, must make this trip the best ever since we won't have the freedom next year to do this since there will be a baby". So, we did. We had a blast. It was long days in the car, but it was fun. We saw so much of this wonderful country, from the tree covered Appalachian mountains, to the grass and farmlands of the midwest, to the beautiful vastness of the desert. It truly was a trip to remember.
After that trip, we settled into a normal routine of work and home, saving up vacation days for the fall "when we'd need them for the baby". Then all hell broke loose in mid-June and I was put on home bedrest followed by hospital bedrest in July. Then Brianna (and I) got sick, Brianna was delivered early and then died. Not at all a way to spend a summer "vacation".
So, now it's almost summer again. And we're starting to plan our summer vacation. I desperately want to get away, to have a week or so somewhere other than here, to take a break from my job as well as try to take a break from this grief. Because, this grieving thing is hard work and damn it, I deserve a break. I want to be able to enjoy a new place. I want to get lost in a new experience and maybe, just maybe, I'll be able to relax a bit. Of course Brianna will be with me, she always is. But maybe it won't be so damn hard for that one week if there's a new physical perspective. Maybe I'll enjoy myself and have fun, maybe I'll smile more, maybe I'll laugh more. Maybe I'll find a bit of the "before" me, buried somewhere deep down. I just want to be able to take a deep breath and just be. Maybe the lump in my throat will shrink some and I won't be on the verge of tears every day.
Tim and I have an awesome opportunity to go to Aruba with some friends. But, we're finding it hard to "pull the trigger" and book the flight. Beyond the exorbitant cost of the airfare, we just don't seem to be able to definitively say "yes, this is what we should do". Tim says that he just can't envision us on this trip. So, last night, we started talking about other ideas. Maybe San Francisco? How about New England? A cruise? They all cost a lot. But, I think there's something more holding me back. Because as much as I crave a summer vacation, I can't help but think "we shouldn't be able to do this". We shouldn't be able to spend this kind of money, because we should have an almost 10 month old baby girl here with us. We should be paying for daycare and diapers and baby food.
Other friends of ours are going to the Outer Banks this summer. We went with them 3 summers ago, before we were even trying to get pregnant. It was a great time. Those same friends are going back to the Outer Banks this summer. That is the trip we should be planning. We should be trying to scrape together the money for the rental house. We should be buying baby girl swim suits and summer outfits. We should be looking forward to seeing Brianna at the beach with our friend's baby boy and the older pre-schoolers. But, those plans aren't ours to make. Brianna's dead and won't be enjoying her first trip to the beach this summer. And because it would be too painful for me, Tim and I aren't going either. I can't bring myself to go and see all the kids playing and be constantly noticing the missing baby girl. It would hurt too much. And if others didn't notice her missing, it would hurt that much more. And why would they notice? She's not their baby, they aren't constantly missing her like I am.
What I really want is my baby back. I want her with a longing bone deep. Since that's impossible in this life, I'm going to settle for a good summer vacation. I need a break from the stress of my job and the hard work of grieving. I want a vacation from this life and for one week to just be free of it all. I just need to make the decision on where to go and just do it without over-analyzing it. So, any suggestions? Where should we go to have a relaxing time?
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