Friday, September 16, 2011

Walk to Remember Dilemma

First, let me start by saying that I know it's been a while since my last post.  A lot has happened since then and I promise I'll update soon.

Anyhow, on to the reason for this post.  Every year, on the first Sunday in October, Rising Hope (the support group Tim and I attend) has a Walk to Remember.  It is held at the cemetery where Brianna is buried and we are encouraged to invite friends and family, basically anyone we feel can support us.

Last year was our first Walk.  We were only 7 or 8 weeks out from our loss, but I really wanted to be there.  Tim and I opted to not to invite anyone make it just for me and him.  The day was everything I thought it would be and more.  It was hard, it was painful, I cried a lot.  But it was also a day of hope for us because of all the children that were in attendance.  To see that these other families had suffered the tragedy of losing a baby and went on to have other kids.  To see that their lost baby was still important to them, that they still took the time to acknowledge his/her short meant the world to me.  I still remember one little boy, maybe 8 or 9.  I overheard him talking and he said that he was there to remember his twin sister, who died when they were babies.  He was so honest, so matter of fact about it.  His parents had raised him to know his sister.  She wasn't some un-mentionable secret, but a real part of their lives.  She still had a presence in their family.  If we are ever blessed to have take-home kids, that is what I want.  For them to know of their older sister, for Brianna to be a part of this family, not hidden away.

Anyhow, back on to my dilemma.  This year, the Walk to Remember is again on the first Sunday in October. Tim and I were planning on going again, just the two of us.  However, he found out yesterday that he has to be out of town for work training for the two weeks that straddle that weekend.  So, he's going to miss the Walk this year.  And while I'm sad that he won't be there, I understand why he can't go.  This training is important and will help him keep his job, which is really important in this economy.  But, at the same time, I don't want to go to the Walk alone.  Yes, there will be lots of other people there.  And yes, I've gotten to know a handful of them over this last year through the support group and even would call some of them friends.  But, it's not the same thing.  I feel that I need to have someone there with me, to support me, to remember Brianna with me.

So, here's the real problem.  Do I invite my parents?  I already know that they have out-of-town plans for the day before, so they may not be able to make it.  Do I want to ask them anyway, knowing they may have to decline?  Will that make them feel guilty/bad for not going?  Also, there's some unresolved things with my Dad over my grief (in a nutshell, he thinks I should be "better" by now, doesn't understand why I still see a therapist every 2 weeks, why I still go to support group every month, doesn't understand why I'd want to be around all the "sadness").  Do I really want my parents there and risk seeing their looks of pity, risk seeing their uncomfortable-ness?  Do I want to risk them seeing my tears, my sadness?  The "real" me that I hide away from them because I want them to think that I'm ok, that I'm "fine" all the time?

Or, I could invite some of my friends.  But, would the invitation make them feel weird?  If they decline, would they feel guilty (not at all what I'd want them to feel)?  If they go, will they feel awkward?

And in the end, the day is supposed to be about Brianna and the other babies.  And will having "outsiders" there as my support group take away from that?  Will I be so concerned with their perception of me, will I worry about their feelings too much that it will take away from the purpose of the day?