Friday, May 20, 2011

Step 1 Towards Trying to Conceive (TTC) Again

DISCLAIMER:  There will be a lot of icky talk in this post about cycles, and bleeding, and such.  You've been warned!

After the D&C for my missed miscarriage back in December, we were told by our perinatologist to wait at least 2 full cycles before trying again.  The plan was laid out like this: wait 2 full cycles, then have blood drawn so that they could "throw the book at me" and run a bunch of tests to see if there are any underlying medical issues that could cause problems in future pregnancies.  (Who knows?  Maybe they'll discover something that could help further explain Brianna's death or the miscarriage in December.  I've been told most likely not.  All the doctors believe that there is no link between Brianna's death and the miscarriage.  Just shitty luck, twice.  But, better be safe than sorry, which I am all for.)

Ever since the beginning of January, I've been waiting for my two full, normal cycles.  Because my body took forever to stop bleeding from the D&C (a full 8 weeks of bleeding that was on again/off again) and because my cycles are typically longish (average 35 days), I finally completed my second cycle this past weekend.

So, this past Tuesday (5/17/11) I made the call to the OB/GYN office.  I was told they would fill out the lab form and I could swing by to pick it up.  Two hours after that call, I picked up the form and at lunchtime I had 18 vials of blood drawn.  Yes, you read that right...18!!!  They are doing a full autoimmune panel workup.  They are also testing me for thrombophilias (blood clotting disorders) and antiphospholipids (not sure on this's something to do with an autoimmune disorder according to Dr. Google).

The blood tests are step 1 on our journey to start trying again.  I'm scared and nervous to begin down this road.  What if I can't get pregnant again?  Or, what if I can, but then miscarry again?  Or worse, have another 2nd trimester loss?  What if I have to go on bedrest earlier than I did with Brianna?  Can we handle that financially?  Can we handle that as a couple, emotionally?  But, even with all these fears and questions, I know we'll try again.  We want a family.  We want kids of our own running around the house.  We want the midnight feedings and crying and cooing and smiles.  It is the thought of having Tim's children that helps me put the fears aside and say "yes, we can try this again".  It won't be easy, in fact it will be downright terrifying.  But, it's worth the risk to be able to bring home a live baby that is a product of our love, part me and part Tim.  Brianna will forever be our first child, our first "one".  It's because of the love that I have for Brianna that I am willing to try again.

Monday, May 9, 2011

9 Months

Dear Brianna,

Today, you would be 9 months old.  But, since you were born early, had you lived, you would also have what the doctors call an "adjusted" age.  So, today, your adjusted age would be 5.5 months old.  Who knows what milestones you'd be hitting now?  The ones for a 9 month old baby, like sitting up on your own, starting to get up on all fours, starting to try to crawl?  Or the ones for a 5.5 month old baby, like rolling over, starting to eat baby food, smiling, laughing?  But, baby girl, you'll never hit those or any other milestones.  And that makes me sad.

Yesterday, your dad and I visited your grave.  We brought you flowers, like we do every month for your birthday.  This month, they were yellow roses and as always, there were 3 of them.  One for me, one for Daddy and one for you, all together as a family.  We miss you very much, baby girl.

Happy Birthday, Brianna.  I hope that you know just how much we love you.


Friday, May 6, 2011

The Triplets

Three years ago today, three beautiful boys were born into this world.  Unfortunately, they weren't able to stay.  So, today, on their 3rd birthday, I remember them with their mom, my friend Amy.  They will never be forgotten and they will always be loved.

Happy Birthday Boys!

Anthony Michael - May 6, 2008
Ian Vincent - May 6, 2008 - May 7, 2008
Mateo Joseph - May 6, 2008

Thursday, May 5, 2011

17 Years

Seventeen years ago, on May 5, 1994, Tim and I officially became boyfriend and girlfriend.  I was 15 and a freshman in high school in a town I had moved to the preceding October, thereby making me one of the "new" kids in school.  Tim was 16 and a sophomore and had gone to school in that particular district his entire life.  I remember bits of that warm spring day in startling clarity (it's startling because my memory is usually very awful).  I was wearing a lavender t-shirt and white jeans and after school, I was hanging out with Tim outside the doors to the school, waiting for my dad to drive me home (my dad worked for the school system and his office was at my high school).  I remember standing up against one of the concrete pillars that supported the second story overhang of the building.  Tim was circling me and the pillar while riding his bike.  We were just talking, teasing each other while we flirted as high schoolers do.  We had only started talking to each other as friends a few months before (I swear it was in December that I met him, he swears it was later than that.  It's still a point of playful argument to this day!)  I don't remember what all was said, but I do know that Tim asked me if I wanted to be his girlfriend and then asked me out for our first date.

Seventeen years ago today, I was just a young girl with a crush on the tall, dark and handsome sophomore I barely knew.  Today, I'm a much older woman with a deep love for that tall, dark and handsome man.  He knows me, my hopes, my fears, my flaws and despite it all, loves me just because I am me.  He asks nothing more of me than I just continue to be me and for that, I am grateful.

Tim, happy anniversary.  I love you more today than I ever thought was possible 17 years ago.