Saturday, October 30, 2010

The Proper Introduction

Since I'm new to blogging, I'm not quite sure of the proper protocol for introducing myself.  So, I'll just lay it all out there.

Hello, my name is Mandy.  I am 31 and I live in the mid-atlantic area of the U.S.  I work outside the home as a civil engineer.  I have been married to my high-school sweetheart, Tim, for 10 years.  These are the basics of who I am.

In real life, this is when most people then ask if I have kids.  In the past, I'd just say no.  But now, I really don't know how to answer that question.  Technically, I guess the answer is still no.  You see, I did have a baby, our first child, a daughter we named Brianna.  But, she was born prematurely (at 25 weeks, 2 days gestation) and had an infection of unknown type, which led to her death during my emergency c-section.  This happened on August 9, 2010, just under 3 months ago.  But in real life, this isn't something that is discussed.  But here in blogland, I can tell my story.  And by doing so, Brianna can be remembered and acknowledged and be *real*.

I've started this blog as a place to tell Brianna's story.  It's also a place where I can just express my thoughts and feelings as I try to figure out who exactly I am now.  All I know right now is that I am forever changed.  And I miss my baby girl tremendously, each and every day.

Thanks for taking the time to stop by my little corner of deadbabyland.  I would love it if you would also introduce yourself.  Who knows, maybe we can help each other through the telling of our stories.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

What Should Be

Today, I should be 36 weeks pregnant.  I should be excited to be approaching a full-term delivery of my first child.  I should be putting the finishing touches on the nursery.  I should be getting all my ducks in a row at work before going on maternity leave.  These are just some of the things I should be doing.

But I'm not.  Because my baby was born very premature and sick almost 11 weeks ago.  And she died.  Instead, today I will be going to visit her grave, as I have done once a week since her funeral.  Instead of waiting to see her beautiful newborn face, I am waiting to see that her grave stone has been installed.  Instead of decorating her room here at home, I'll be taking flowers to decorate her grave.

There are many things that should be happening.  But I can't live in the should be world.  I have to live in this new world of deadbabyland.  It's not something I ever thought I'd have to do.