Today, I should be 36 weeks pregnant. I should be excited to be approaching a full-term delivery of my first child. I should be putting the finishing touches on the nursery. I should be getting all my ducks in a row at work before going on maternity leave. These are just some of the things I should be doing.
But I'm not. Because my baby was born very premature and sick almost 11 weeks ago. And she died. Instead, today I will be going to visit her grave, as I have done once a week since her funeral. Instead of waiting to see her beautiful newborn face, I am waiting to see that her grave stone has been installed. Instead of decorating her room here at home, I'll be taking flowers to decorate her grave.
There are many things that should be happening. But I can't live in the should be world. I have to live in this new world of deadbabyland. It's not something I ever thought I'd have to do.
3 comments:
Hi Mandy. I'm so sorry for the loss of your baby girl.
My name is Heather, and I lost a baby boy at 27 weeks. He too may have had an infection, or he may have had a metabolic disorder. We don't know. At 25 weeks he started retaining fluid, and at 26 weeks 5 days his little body was filled and failing. He too died during an emergency c-section. His name was Henrick.
It's been almost three years, and while I still miss him every day I can say the grief changes drastically. You are still so close to your loss, the feelings are so raw.
My husband and I did find a support group at the hospital very helpful. I made some wonderful friends who truly understand. I wish I had known of Glow In The Woods at the time. What a wonderful site.
I wish you weren't writing this blog. I wish you were getting the nursery ready and full of anticipation for meeting your baby girl.
Hey - I'm a civil engineer as well. Structural. :)
Heather,
Thanks for your kind words. I am a land development/water resources civil engineer. I'm sorry that being engineers isn't the only thing we have in common. Henrick is a great name. It just sucks so much that we didn't get to bring our babies home.
There are many things these days that I wish were very different. But, the reality is that they aren't. It helps tremendously to hear from women like you who are further down this "grief" road. It makes it a little easier to know that someday, it changes and gets a little easier to carry.
Again, thanks for taking the time to read my little blog. I really appreciate it.
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