Missing (Again)

My parents are hosting a summer party, a crabfeast (we live in the mid-atlantic, specifically in a state known for blue crabs!).  It's to be the last at their house, as they are hoping to sell it this summer and move away.  Their house is an awesome place to entertain and they love to have this crabfeast at least once a year.

Anyhow, just a few days ago, my mom sent out the invite for this year's crabfeast via email.  Here's what it said (names disguised on purpose).

God is great!
Life is good!


J & B were engaged June 2
K will finish her final course by the end of June to earn her Master's Degree


K will celebrate her 40th birthday. (July 6)

Little K will celebrate her 6th birthday. (July 11)

T will celebrate his 67th birthday. (July 23)

J will celebrate her 21st birthday. (August 8)

T & R celebrated their 45th anniversary. (June 11)

Mandy and Tim will celebrate their 11th anniversary. (August 18)

What are you celebrating this summer?

Set aside Saturday, July 16 to celebrate your milestones along with ours as we gather for a crab feast. 

4:00-ish to . . .. .

When you RSVP, please let us know the blessings YOU are celebrating this summer.

All in all, a pretty nice invite.  The theme of this year's party is (obviously) summer celebrations.  But, I can't help but notice the one celebration missing.  Brianna.  As always, she is missing.  Her birthday is August 9.  She would have been 1 year old, had she lived.  Intellectually, I know why my mom didn't include her on the invitation.  Because Brianna's dead.  And in the "normal" world, you don't mention dead babies, especially in the context of "celebrations".  But, it still hurts my heart that yet again, Brianna is excluded.  She's not on the list of our family's celebrations.  She's still that silent, shadow baby that no one mentions.  And, as always, it just plain sucks.

Tim and I will attend the party.  I'm getting much better at being able to survive social outings.  I even find that I can enjoy them, most of the time.  But, it's different now.  I'm only about 90% present anymore.  There's always a tiny part of me that isn't there.  The tiny part that is missing Brianna, wishing life had taken a different path.  It's hard to put into words.  I guess that I will forever live my life looking through the lenses of grief.  Always seeing the shadow girl who should be there but isn't.  It's just one of those fundamental changes that occurred when my baby died.  It's a shift in my world, like the Earth tilted ever-so-slightly on it's axis on August 9, 2010 and I'm the only one who can perceive it.

We'll go to the party, we'll socialize, we'll eat crabs and shrimp and corn-on-the-cob.  I'll have a good time, but at the same time know, it could have been sooo much better had there been a little, dark-and-curly-haired baby there with us.  Secretly, I'll probably be wishing that someone, anyone, will ask me about her, will use her name, will want to talk about her.  But, I won't actually bring her into the conversation.  Mostly, because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable but also because I don't want to get the looks of pity, the change in tone in the voices of others, the awkward silences because they just do not know how to react.  But, if someone does ask, I will talk about my baby girl.  I will let them know that I miss her, but I am not ashamed of her.  That I am proud I was her mom, if only for a short time.  And I will thank them for remembering her.  I will celebrate her in my own way at this "summer celebrations" party.