I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but Brianna is buried in an area of the cemetery that is reserved for the internment of babies. Years ago, a fund-raiser was done by a lovely couple to raise enough money to buy up 50 adjacent plots in the cemetery to be turned into what is now known as the Children's Garden II. Over $300,000 was raised and the plots were purchased on the edge of the cemetery, near to the woods. Each one of these "normal" sized plots was subdivided into 4 "baby" sized plots, so eventually, there will be around 200 babies buried here (there actually will probably be a few more because some of the plots already have twins buried together). Brianna was buried in the 67th plot. The plots are donated, free-of-charge to families like us, families whose babies are stillborn or die shortly after birth. Most of the babies buried in the Children's Garden II were delivered at the same hospital where Brianna was stillborn and some of their parents also go to the monthly support group at the hospital that Tim and I have attended since Brianna's death.
(Random thought - I like to imagine that the other babies from the Children's Garden are Brianna's friends in Heaven. I like to think that some of the "older" babies were there to greet Brianna, give her the tour, explain that her Mommy and Daddy love her very much but couldn't be with her yet. I also like to imagine that Brianna has also helped to greet the "newer" babies and helped them too.)
Anyhow, last night, Tim and I joined some of the other babylost families at the Children's Garden for a spring clean up. After a week of unbearable heat and humidity here in the mid-Atlantic, yesterday was an absolutely gorgeous day, with temperatures in the upper 70s and no humidity at all (part of me wonders if the beautiful weather was a gift from our babies). We planted flowers, trimmed the hedges, cut the grass, and cleaned the headstones. As I see it, this is our way of taking care of Brianna. It's a poor substitute for the care we'd rather be giving her. But, it's all we have. It's one of the only ways we have to show the world just how much we love her, how much she means to us.
We also had a chance to socialize with the other parents and generally had a good time. As a lot of you in deadbaby blogland know, it's nice to be with others who get it. They make me feel like I belong, especially since lately, I don't feel like I belong with all the "normal" people. Even though I never wanted to be in this "club", I am glad that there is a group of others that have accepted me as I am right now in my grief. I don't have to worry about what I say making them uncomfortable, because they have the same feelings. I can mention Brianna, say her name out loud and not get the "looks", the pity, the awkward silences that I get in "normal" company. I can relax and just be the "new" me.
At the end of the evening, it was nice to look around and see the transformation of the Children's Garden. It looks well cared for and pretty. I hope that Brianna and all the other babies can see it and realize it was accomplished out of the love that all of their parents have for them. I hope it made them smile.
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