Memories

Yesterday, on my drive home from work, I was hit by a memory from my pregnancy.  You see, this time last year, I had just found out I was pregnant.  From our calculations, I was about 6 weeks along, so it was very early.  And luckily, I didn't have severe morning sickness.  Just slight nausea in the mornings, but not enough to worry about.  Even though, Tim was so sweet about it and put Saltines next to my side of the bed so I'd have them every morning if I needed them.

As I was driving home yesterday, the memory of the crackers hit me.  It made me smile, remembering the sweetness of that action by my loving husband...even that early on in my pregnancy, and he was doing his best to take care of me and the little being that would be our baby.  He was stepping into his role as a loving father.  And after the smile, I then cried.  Because that's how it goes these days...one minute, a smile by a wonderful memory and then the sadness because memories are all I have left of my baby.

I have a feeling that the rest of this spring and summer are going to be this way.  The season has changed and now the little things are bringing back memories of last year, when I was pregnant, happy and naive.  And as much as I welcome the memories, they also bring back the pain of loss.  It's just another facet of this never ending grief.  During the fall and winter, the grief was very hard and mostly pain and bitterness.  It was all about the loss of the dreams and plans...Brianna should have been here for Thanksgiving and Christmas and she wasn't.  But, she also wasn't in existance the Thanksgiving or Christmas before.  Now, though, the grief has changed into bittersweet, because of the memories.  Last spring, Brianna existed, if only as a tiny embryo inside of me.  But she was real.  That is the sweet part...the memories of her.  But, the bitter is still there too...the loss of her, the pain it brings, the longing for her.  As always, the changing nature of this grief leaves me breathless.