At a forum on a babyloss website that I frequent (I think I've mentioned it before...Glow in the Woods), I came across another DBM (dead baby mom) who goes by the name Ceil. She shared a link to a video of her reading an essay at a writing contest. Her essay was about her son Kai and how his death impacted her life. I wanted to share that video because her words capture the way I feel and she does a better job than me in explaining just what the loss of a baby means to us DBMs. As a warning, the video is a bit long (about 10 minutes) and can make you cry. So, here's the link.
One part that really stuck with me since I saw the video is when she talks about how us DBMs can go back to the way life was before we got pregnant (sleeping in late, spending time without the responsibility of children, etc) but how it's not what we want. We had prepared ourselves for life as we knew it to change and had embraced that change. And then, in the loss of a precious heartbeat, the routine of life didn't change. Because there is no infant to keep us up at night, no infant that is reliant on us for his/her every need. There is no baby to snuggle, to marvel over, to delight in. We don't get to join that club of motherhood. Instead, we had the membership of "Club Babylost" thrust upon us. And even though our routine wasn't altered, our lives were shaken at the core. Life itself did change. And in ways that none of us ever wanted. Ways that I am still trying to understand. This is not the change that I signed up for when I got pregnant, but it is the change that has happened. And all I can do now is hold on to this new type of life and muddle my way through, hoping that at some point it gets easier or less painful.
No comments:
Post a Comment