Thanksgiving

Well, it's here.  Our first Thanksgiving without Brianna.  Only a lifetime more to go.


I got up early today.  I had to make cookies to take to my parent's house for Thanksgiving dessert.  All the while that I was baking, I just kept thinking "I shouldn't be able to be doing this.  I should be exhausted from sleepless nights with a newborn.  I should be catching naps when I can and resting on this day before getting the baby ready to go to her grandparents' for her first Thanksgiving."  But instead, I was up early and baking cookies.  Cookies I don't even eat.  Cookies for everyone else, so they can enjoy them.  And now, I should be getting a shower and getting ready to go.  But I'm not.  I just don't seem to have the energy yet.


Soon, I will get off this couch and go get a shower.  Then, Tim and I will head out to Thanksgiving lunch at my parents' place.  Neither of us really want to go, but this is the year that my uncles, aunts and cousins will be joining us all for Thanksgiving.  It is a very important holiday for my mom.  My parents have been so supportive and helpful to us over the last few months, that I feel obligated to go.  And we'll put on our happiest faces and try to be good company.  But, we both know that it could be tough and we'll come up with a signal that means "I can't take anymore, we have to leave now."  And then we will leave and head over to our friends' house for a quiet evening with just us and them.  And we'll be able to relax a bit.  But, it still will be hard.  Because Brianna's not here.  And she never will be.  And we'll be missing her.  And thinking how different today should have been.


Don't get me wrong.  I am thankful for the good things in my life.  For my wonderful husband who has been my rock through the last few months and who is the only one who really understands me right now.  For my parents and sister, who have shown us all the love in the world as we deal with the grief and pain.  For my friends who have been there when I needed to talk and there when I just wanted a distraction.  And most of all, I'm thankful that I did get to be Brianna's mom, even though it was only for a short while.  But, I still miss her and really wish things were different.


I love you, Brianna girl.  And I miss you.  Wherever you are, Happy Thanksgiving baby.