Due Date

So, tomorrow is my official due date.  I can't help but think how different my life should be today.  Tomorrow, I should be "done" with my pregnancy, either already with a newborn or about to pop.  I should be experiencing sleepless nights, either from the uncomfortableness of being 40 weeks pregnant or from 3 am feedings.  I should be looking forward to my future with our daughter, planning how to spend the holidays and how to schedule our time with our families so everyone would get to see the new baby.  Instead, I'm trying to figure out how to avoid spending too much time with the families so that I'm not constantly having to put on the happy face during this, the most "wonderful" time of the year.  It all should be so very different.

This past week has been really hard.  I think the anticipation of my due date has been building all week and just making me miserable.  Up until this past week, I was doing better.  But, it feels like I've taken a few steps back on this grief road.  I know this is to be expected, but knowing that doesn't make it suck any less.  I'm not sure how I'll be tomorrow.  I know that we will definitely go to the cemetery to visit Brianna's grave.  I will probably light a candle too as a way to remember her.

One thing we are doing tomorrow as a way to honor and remember Brianna is sending out an email to our immediate family members and close friends with her picture attached.  I really want those in my life to see her, to see that she was a real baby who we wanted so much.  I want them to finally be able to put a face to her name, to our loss, to our grief.  I know that most of them will appreciate getting to see her photo, to be able to be included in something that is so meaningful and personal to us.  But, at the same time, I'm worried about how they will react.  Will they think seeing a picture of a dead baby is too morbid?  Will they be upset with us for sending it out and actually making her more real to them?  Will they not understand why we had to send it out?  But, I have to remind myself that this is important to me and too bad if they can't get it.  Too bad if it upsets them and reminds them of the reality than not all babies get to come home.  On that day, my due date, I want them to remember Brianna.  I want them to see how real she was, how beautiful she was, how perfectly she was made.

Tomorrow, I will talk to Brianna.  I will tell her how much we wanted her.  I will tell her how much I love her and how much her daddy loves her.  These are all things I would have told her had she been born alive on her due date.  But, instead, I will be telling her these things while I visit her grave.  Since she is gone, I will also tell her how much I miss her and how much I wish things were different and she was here with us.  I will tell her she will always be a part of me, her daddy and her family.  As long as I am alive, she will never be forgotten.