Shortly after Brianna died, an old friend sent me a link to an online community called Glow in the Woods. This is a community of parents who have suffered the deaths of their babies. On the site, parents from all over the world can find the support they need as they try to figure out just how to navigate through the world that has just turned upside down. It has been a great help to me over the last 12 weeks or so and I will be forever grateful to my friend who sent me the URL.
This past Monday on Glow, they posted questions about ghosts and rituals and asked for our responses. Mine are below.
1 | Do you believe you can communicate with people in the afterlife, or they with you? Do you believe you can do this with your child?
I'm not sure if I really believe that I can communicate with my daughter (or others who have died). But that doesn't stop me from talking to her. Being able to tell her that I miss her and love her help me feel connected to her. I don't believe that she can communicate with me.
2 | Do you believe in ghosts? Has this changed since the loss of your child(ren)?
No, I don't believe in ghosts. To me, the idea that somehow some souls get stuck here after they die seems sad. I do believe that we all have a soul and that there is an afterlife.
3 | Have your feelings changed about Halloween? How do you respond to Halloween humor such as zombie and ghost costumes or macabre gravestones as decorations?
I've never liked Halloween all that much, even as a child. It's just not one of my favorite holidays. I've never liked all the macabre part of Halloween, be it costumes or decorations, so my feelings about it really haven't changed at all.
4 | Does your religious or cultural background have a day or holiday where the focus is honoring the dead? How do you use this experience to honor your own child(ren)?
I was raised with a protestant upbringing in white suburbia, so no, my religious and cultural background doesn't have a specific day to honor the dead. I wish it did so that once a year, my loss would be recognized by the community.
5 | Do you ever reach outside of your spiritual/religious framework for comfort from other practices/religions?
Not really. But, that may change over time. I'm still all new to the whole babylost mama thing, so who knows.
6 | Is there a season or holiday, other than your child(ren)’s birthday, that inspires you to perform a ritual in memory of your child(ren)?
So far, haven't really had many holidays yet. But, I think that I will do something at Christmas in memory of Brianna. Just haven't figured out what exactly.
7 | Is there a ritual you perform everyday? Weekly? Monthly? Yearly?
Everyday, I say goodnight to Brianna before I go to sleep. Even if she can't hear me, it makes me feel better. Every weekend (either on Saturday or Sunday), Tim and I visit her grave and take flowers. We plan on continuing this as a weekly thing until her due date (which is soon). After that, we are probably going to just go monthly.
8 | Do you perform any public rituals (in real life or online) on October 15? How do your friends, family, or community respond to your acknowledgment of loss?
This past October 15th was the first for us. Brianna is buried in an area of the cemetary known as the Children's Garden. This section is reserved for only babies. One of the moms of another baby in this area organized a candle lighting that was held at the cemetary. A small tealight candle was placed on each grave and at 7 pm, they were all lit. Tim and I went to the cemetary to participate in this candle lighting. It was hauntingly beautiful to see all the little flickering flames in the dark. I hope to take part in this every year.
That night, when we got home, I posted photos that I had taken on Facebook. A lot of my friends and family acknowledged the photos and remembered Brianna with me.
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