Hair

On multiple occasions over the last few weeks, I've mentioned to my husband Tim, that I really need to get my hair cut.  My last salon appointment for a professional cut was December 31, 2009 (no, my memory is not that good to pull that out of thin air...I looked it up on my calendar).  So, it's high time for at least a professional trim.


Let me first explain my hair.  It's a dark brown color and naturally very thick and curly.  And currently, when dry, it comes to the middle of my back in length.  When I was a child, I hated my hair.  It was so hard to manage and my mom really had no clue how to take care of it since her's is naturally straight and not nearly as thick.  Growing up, I had many "bad hair days".  It wasn't until I was in college that I finally discovered how to manage my mane.  After finding great products, I was finally able to style my curly hair in such a way that I was happy with it.  Ever since then, I've loved my hair.

When I found out I was pregnant, I started imagining my baby with dark, curly hair.  You see, I'm not the only one in this couple with dark and curly hair.  Tim's hair is black and if left to its own devices, will grow in thick and wavy.  He keeps it cut very short because it is so thick and wavy and unmanageable.

So, when I discovered that I was pregnant AND the baby was a girl, I was very excited.  In all probability, she would have dark and curly hair, just like me.  From early on, I was really hoping that she would be born with a full head of hair.  I was looking forward to all the things you do with a baby girl's hair...bows and headbands, then ponytails and pigtails as she grew.  Once she was older, I'd be able to pass on all the secrets of how to manage the curse/blessing of the curls.  I'd give her tips on hair products, how she should always use conditioner and comb out her hair in the shower.  I'd take her to my salon for her haircuts and introduce her to the wonder that is having someone wash your hair.

But, now that will never happen for my Brianna.  While in recovery from my c-section, they let me hold her lifeless body.  Oh, how I marveled at her tiny fingers, they were so long and slender.  And her feet!  She had a mixture of our toes, my little toes and Tim's big toes.  But it was her hair that really hit me hard.  At only 25 weeks gestation, she already had a full head of dark, almost black, hair.  And, it was starting to curl.  My beautiful baby girl would have been blessed with curls.  It is just one of the things that I will miss about her and one of the things that I would have loved to teach her about.

Now, looking at my own head of hair reminds me of Brianna.  And I know I really should get it cut, but I just don't seem to be able to call to make the appointment.  I want to hang on to my long curls as a way of remembering her.  As I write that, I realize that it doesn't matter how long or short I keep my hair.  I will always remember her, with her dark, almost curly hair.  By getting my hair cut, I'm not leaving her behind anymore than I am by getting up and living every day.  She will always be a part of me and I will carry her with me wherever I go.  So, maybe tomorrow will be the day I call to set up that salon appointment...maybe.