If I sit still for too long, the grief takes over. The lump forms in my throat, the tears well up in my eyes, the ache settles into my arms and chest. So, I try to keep moving. Do the laundry, clean the kitchen, buy the groceries. I find that as I get closer to the 1-year mark, I have to keep myself distracted in order to get through each day. I sing along to the radio while I'm alone in the car to keep the memories and tears at bay. At home, I read a lot. I've spent a small fortune on books for my Kindle. By reading, I can lose myself into the story. I read until the wee hours of the morning, tiring myself out so that I fall asleep quickly, without the time to focus on the grief, on all that I'm missing.
I know that eventually, I'll have to stop avoiding it. I'll have to turn and embrace the memories. I'll have to acknowledge the loss, the grief, the tears all over again. It's not healthy to keep avoiding it. It's not helping me to keep running from it. But, right now, I can't seem to do it. Luckily, I have planned ahead and won't be working on the few days before Brianna's birthday. I can use that time to remember, to go back to last year. I can relive it all, the good and the bad. I'll have the space to fall apart, if need be. Until then, I'll keep singing along to the radio and disappearing into fictional worlds.
1 comment:
Thinking of you and your daughter, Brianna, as you approach the one year mark.
I'm glad you have the time off work, to remember and fall apart if you need to. I'm also a big fan of the radio and books as distraction devices, sometimes it just becomes a question of by any means necessary, whatever gets you through. xo
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