So, at the end of November, I started feeling sick. You know, the kind of sick that might indicate early pregnancy. So, on 12/2/10, I took a home pregnancy test and surprise, it was positive. Tim was thrilled. I was terrified. It was too soon, I thought. Brianna hadn't been gone for even four months yet. We were told to wait at least 6 months before trying again. And here I was, pregnant again. Surprise doesn't even begin to describe how we felt. You see, it took us 2 years of trying to get pregnant with Brianna. We thought getting pregnant again would take some time. We never expected to get pregnant after only one (yes, you read that right...ONE) time without any contraception. But, there it was on the little stick..."pregnant". And thus began the roller coaster of emotions that was December.
I immediately called my OB for an appointment. I made a point to stress to the receptionist my history of loss and that I had to see a specific OB. She understood my feelings and I was squeezed into Dr. E's busy schedule. So, on 12/16/10, Tim and I met with the doctor. He was surpised to see us for the reason we were there, but seemed happy for us. We discussed all kinds of things, from VBAC possibilities to what the next step in the game plan would be. Because I had only had one period between my c-section recovery and getting pregnant, it was hard to use my cycle as a way to determine gestation and the due date. So, I was then squeezed into the sonogram schedule. I was so nervous waiting to see the heartbeat. And equally relieved once it was there on the screen. It was determined that I was 8 weeks pregnant and my due date would be 7/27/11. Tim and I were so happy, even if it was mixed with trepidation and worry.
So, even though it was pretty early, we started telling close friends and family the news. Everyone seemed really happy for us and wished us the best. No one said anything remotely bad and were very sensitive to our feelings. I was worried that telling them so early was a bad idea, but Tim reminded me that these were the same people we would tell if anything bad happened anyway.
The next step was to see the perinatologist that my OB recommended. He would help me formulate a plan for this pregnancy to try to avoid the infections and pre-term labor that had led to Brianna's death. So, we met with him on 12/30/10. First thing was to look at the little one on an ultrasound. I was terrified going in that there wouldn't be a heartbeat. And my fears were realized. No heartbeat. And the baby and sac were only measuring 8 weeks, and I should have been 10 weeks pregnant. It was just awful news. Tim and I cried together, right there in the sonogram room.
After talking with the perinatologist, I was sent to my OB for an immediate appointment. Since it was pretty apparent that my body still hadn't gotten the message that the baby had died (no spotting, cramps, or other signs of a miscarriage), we decided to just go ahead with a D&C. I wanted it as soon as possible. I lucked into a spot at the outpatient surgery place at the hospital for that afternoon. So, at 4 pm on 12/30/10, I had the D&C and was no longer pregnant.
That's the quick and dirty version of my December. I am still trying to process all the emotions. This time is very different than when I lost my Brianna. I'm mostly just sad and disappointed. And for whatever reason, it has made me miss Brianna more. Don't get me wrong, I feel bad that this new baby is gone too. But, I hadn't really allowed myself to see this pregnancy as a real baby. I couldn't go there. I had to protect myself, just in case the awful happened. And when it did, I was very sad in the loss of the potential baby. And mostly very disappointed that I had let everyone down, again.
Intellectually, I know it's not my fault. It's just another very bad luck, sad situation. But emotionally, I feel that since my body can't keep a baby safe and healthy, it somehow is my fault. And I felt bad having to tell the friends and family that again, we had lost a baby. And even though they were all great and supportive, I still had to bear their sorrow and disappointment again. I basically just feel like a failure right now. And I hate it. My whole life, I believed that if I just tried hard enough, I could do anything and achieve my dreams. And the past few months have shattered that viewpoint. All I really want is children. I've tried my hardest, done everything I was supposed to do and I don't have my children. I've had two pregnancies in the last year and no babies to show for it. So, that's why I feel like a failure.
I apologize for the rambling of this post. But I just needed to put the thoughts down to get them out there and clear up my head a little. If you're still reading, thanks for bearing with me. I appreciate it.
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