Monday, April 16, 2012

Rough Day

Today was a rough day.  Haven't had one in a while, so I guess I was due.  A co-worker of mine (let's call him C) wasn't in the office today because he was at the hospital with his wife, who was in labor with their first child.  All this would have been fine except that everyone kept asking me if C had called or emailed with any news (as he works in my department and I was one of the only ones there today).  My response was always "no, haven't heard anything yet."  However, my internal bitch was screaming "leave me alone...don't you know how hard this is for me?  Don't you know how jealous I am of C and his wife?  Can't you see how painful it is for me to have to answer your dumb-ass questions about C?"  It hurt so much to have to hear all the speculation about C and when his baby will be born and when he'll be back to work.  Don't they remember that I lost my daughter 20 months ago?  Of course for them didn't drastically shift on August 9, 2010 like it did for me and my husband.  Can't they even imagine just how hard it would be to have to hear about other pregnancies and babies?

And, the wonderful world of infertility makes all this even harder to bear.  Because I so very much want what C and his wife have.  And not just the alive baby at the end of the pregnancy.  I want the bliss of an easy conception, the joy of an uncomplicated pregnancy too.  Things I won't ever have.  Because now I know how hard it is for me to get pregnant.  And I know all the awful things that can happen during a pregnancy that result in a dead baby.  So, if I ever get pregnant, then I'll get to spend 9 months in the special anxiety of pregnancy after a loss.  And it all just plain sucks.

And, now I get to look forward to work again tomorrow.  And probably the email announcing the safe arrival of C's baby.  And more talk about it all.  And during it all, I have to either grin and bear it or make my escape.  And since we have an open floor plan office, there aren't many places to escape to without drawing attention to myself.

And I was doing so much better.  Gah, I hate this grief roller coaster...I want off now, please.

(Okay, I think I'm done whining for a least here in, at the therapist tomorrow...that's another thing all together!)

1 comment:

Kate said...

Sorry you had to experience that--and have to go back for Round 2 today. I know exactly how you feel. My colleague (also my ex-friend that I now refer to as my nemesis) had they second baby in December and ALL throughout her pregnancy, labor and leave, people expected me to know things (and care about them) about her and her baby. I hate that people have moved past our losses and so they just expect that we have, too.

Good luck to you as you experience Round 2 today... and all the upcoming days, especially when he comes back--or worse, when he brings the baby in for everyone to see. I hope you have enough warning that you can leave or be sick that day.