Monday, February 20, 2012


I know I owe you a very detailed explanation of everything that's happened since my last post (a whole 6 months ago).  And I promise, I'll get to all that some time in the near future...I just don't have the time for it tonight.

This post is for me to vent my frustrations.  My 33rd birthday is a month away.  Four years ago, on my 29th birthday, I stopped taking birth control pills.  The hope was that within a year, I'd be pregnant and we'd be on our way to starting our family.  After the first year of trying and still no pregnancy, I started to worry that something was wrong with me and we'd need medical intervention to achieve a pregnancy.  So, shortly after my 30th birthday, I went to the doctor.  After many blood draws, a sonogram to check my ovaries, and a glucose tolerance test, I was diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome).  I was prescribed Metformin, a drug used to help control my glucose levels, which in turn would help control other hormones.  The idea was that once the hormones got straightened out, I'd start ovulating on my own and could then become pregnant.  I was only on the drug for a few weeks before I stopped taking it because it was making me extremely sick, so much so that I was having to call out from work way too much.  My hubby and I decided that we'd just try on our own for another year and if I still wasn't pregnant by my 31st birthday, I'd go back on the awful medicine and suck it up and deal with the side effects.

Then, on my 31st birthday, we found out that we had achieved the miraculous and I was pregnant!  All on our own, we had achieved our hearts' desire and we're expecting our first child.  But, we all know how that turned out.  Fast forward through a problem pregnancy and then an early delivery of a very premature and very sick little girl who didn't survive.  Brianna's death broke our hearts and buried our hope of a family under layers of grief.  But then, another miracle only 4.5 short months after Brianna's death.  I was pregnant and again it was all on our own, without any drugs.  Looking back, I attribute it to all the hormones coursing through my body after my first pregnancy.  But, that pregnancy didn't last long at all.  Only 8 weeks in, and the baby died.  Fast forward through a D&C and more grief and guilt.  My 32nd birthday passed while I was waiting for my system to reset itself from the D&C.  A few months go by, we have appointments with various doctors to try to figure out the cause of the miscarriage and are told just "bad luck".  Brianna's death and the miscarriage have nothing in common.  We were just struck by two very different types of lightning, twice.  That we should just try again as soon as we are emotionally ready.

So, after Brianna's first birthday, we decided we were ready.  I started keeping track of my cycles (which are all over the place, nothing regular about them what so ever).  I started keeping track of when we had sex, hoping to catch that elusive day when, or if, I ovulate.  It feels like we've stepped back in time.  These are all the things I did for 2 long years.  Talk about deja vu.

And now, as I approach my 33rd birthday, I'm exactly where I was four years ago.  Still waiting to get pregnant, still waiting to bring home a baby.  Yes, now we're dealing with doctors (again), going through the steps to start new drugs (probably Clomid first), and we do have a plan.  But, we had a plan before and it got blown to smithereens.  I am just so frustrated that I have to do all this again.  So frustrated to even be in this position.  Wasn't it enough that my first baby died?  Or my second?  To have to be dealing with infertility treatments on top of it all just plain sucks.  Every cycle, I have a little bit of hope that maybe this will be the one.  And every cycle, that hope gets pulled out from under me with either the start of my period or a negative pregnancy test.  It's so very hard.  It's hard to stay upbeat and positive, to put on the happy face, to expend the energy to hope for a positive outcome.

It should all be very different.  I should have an 18 month old daughter here at home and not be worrying about cycles, drugs or fertility treatments.  I shouldn't have to be charting erratic menstrual cycles or keeping track of sex.  I shouldn't have to be coming up with various plans for getting pregnant or staying pregnant. 

Sorry for the rant.  Just having one of those days.

1 comment:

Catherine W said...

No need to apologise. It should all be very different, it's just horribly unfair and unimaginably frustrating.

I wish that everyone could have a 'free pass' on the next pregnancy if we can't have our children back. An easy conception and a health pregnancy and a straightforward birth. Because it feels as though we have been through enough already.

And it is an awful rollercoaster, that hope.

Remembering your dear Brianna Tatum. Hoping for you and with you xo