Almost a Year

If I sit still for too long, the grief takes over.  The lump forms in my throat, the tears well up in my eyes, the ache settles into my arms and chest.  So, I try to keep moving.  Do the laundry, clean the kitchen, buy the groceries.  I find that as I get closer to the 1-year mark, I have to keep myself distracted in order to get through each day.  I sing along to the radio while I'm alone in the car to keep the memories and tears at bay.  At home, I read a lot.  I've spent a small fortune on books for my Kindle.  By reading, I can lose myself into the story.  I read until the wee hours of the morning, tiring myself out so that I fall asleep quickly, without the time to focus on the grief, on all that I'm missing.


I know that eventually, I'll have to stop avoiding it.  I'll have to turn and embrace the memories.  I'll have to acknowledge the loss, the grief, the tears all over again.  It's not healthy to keep avoiding it.  It's not helping me to keep running from it.  But, right now, I can't seem to do it.  Luckily, I have planned ahead and won't be working on the few days before Brianna's birthday.  I can use that time to remember, to go back to last year.  I can relive it all, the good and the bad.  I'll have the space to fall apart, if need be.  Until then, I'll keep singing along to the radio and disappearing into fictional worlds.

11 Months

Dear Brianna,

I am sorry that this letter is day late.  There's no good excuse for it.  I guess I just don't know what to say anymore that's new or different.  Eleven months have passed since you left us.  And I still miss you.  Every.  Single.  Day.

Yesterday, Daddy and I visited your grave, as we have done on (or near) your birthday every month.  This time, we brought 3 sunflowers...a big one, a medium one and a very little one.  I hope you like them.

(The flag was put by your grave by Miss Sherri, Abby's mom.  I think she was the one who also put the little patriotic rubber duckie there too.  She put them at all the babies' graves.  I hope you can see them and realize how much all of you are remembered.)

Brianna, I hope that you know just how much I love you and just how much I miss you.  You are never far from my thoughts.  And, little girl, you will always be a part of this family.  You were our first baby and you will forever hold a special place in our hearts.

Happy Birthday, baby girl.  I love you.

Love,
Mommy

Blog Calendar

Dear Followers,

First off, thank you so much for "following" my tiny blog.  I never thought I'd actually have anyone besides my husband actually read my blog.  The fact that you all do read it and care about what I have to say is rather humbling.

I was thinking the other day about the calendar I've put at the bottom of my blog.  On it, I've added the birthdays of the dead babies of some real-life friends (and my BLM pen-pal...hi Susan!).  I've done this as a way of honoring the special days in these other womens' lives because I know that in the "real" world, these days can sometimes be overlooked and/or forgotten.  And I never want to forget these children who were so loved and wanted.

So, to all my followers (yep, all 6 of you)...if you want, I would love to add your children to the calendar.  Just comment here with your baby's name (first and middle), their birthday (please include the year too), and your first name (and your partner's if you'd like).  I'll add them to the calendar and on their birthdays, I will make sure to remember them with you.

-Mandy

Another One

Every Wednesday, I work from home.  My desk is set up in the back of our large bedroom, right next to our window.  I look out that window onto the neighboring townhouses that back to ours.  Because of the topography, our second story lines up with their first story, their family rooms, their decks.


A few weeks ago, something caught my eye as I was working.  I looked and saw that one of our back-yard neighbors was on her deck, watering her plants and she was very noticeably pregnant.  It caught me be surprise. I don't know her, in fact I don't really know any of the back-yard neighbors.  But, to see her so hugely pregnant was shocking.  I guess it's because I tend to forget that women still get pregnant and life continues on.  It hurt at the time to see her, going about her normal business of watering plants and caring for her house while so very pregnant because I never got to do that.  I never got that far before the bedrest.  I never got that far at all, even on bedrest.  I never made it past 25 weeks and 2 days.


Today, movement again caught my eye as I worked at my desk.  As I'm on the computer and going about my work business, I glance up as the door to one of the houses behind me opens.  And I see that the very pregnant back-yard neighbor is no longer pregnant but is now holding her tiny baby in her arms as she waters the plants on her deck.  And I cry.  Another baby born into this neighborhood, safe and sound.  And while I'm glad her baby made it here safely (because I'd never wish the hell of babyloss on anyone), I still wish my baby could have come home too.  Oh, how I wish I could be the back-yard neighbor with the baby on my hip as I water plants or tend my garden.  Of the 5 townhouses behind ours, 3 now have babies in residence.  And the occasional glimpse of them reminds me just how much is missing here in our townhouse.  And will always be missing.

Missing (Again)

My parents are hosting a summer party, a crabfeast (we live in the mid-atlantic, specifically in a state known for blue crabs!).  It's to be the last at their house, as they are hoping to sell it this summer and move away.  Their house is an awesome place to entertain and they love to have this crabfeast at least once a year.

Anyhow, just a few days ago, my mom sent out the invite for this year's crabfeast via email.  Here's what it said (names disguised on purpose).

God is great!
Life is good!


J & B were engaged June 2
K will finish her final course by the end of June to earn her Master's Degree


K will celebrate her 40th birthday. (July 6)

Little K will celebrate her 6th birthday. (July 11)

T will celebrate his 67th birthday. (July 23)

J will celebrate her 21st birthday. (August 8)

T & R celebrated their 45th anniversary. (June 11)

Mandy and Tim will celebrate their 11th anniversary. (August 18)

What are you celebrating this summer?

Set aside Saturday, July 16 to celebrate your milestones along with ours as we gather for a crab feast. 

4:00-ish to . . .. .

When you RSVP, please let us know the blessings YOU are celebrating this summer.

All in all, a pretty nice invite.  The theme of this year's party is (obviously) summer celebrations.  But, I can't help but notice the one celebration missing.  Brianna.  As always, she is missing.  Her birthday is August 9.  She would have been 1 year old, had she lived.  Intellectually, I know why my mom didn't include her on the invitation.  Because Brianna's dead.  And in the "normal" world, you don't mention dead babies, especially in the context of "celebrations".  But, it still hurts my heart that yet again, Brianna is excluded.  She's not on the list of our family's celebrations.  She's still that silent, shadow baby that no one mentions.  And, as always, it just plain sucks.

Tim and I will attend the party.  I'm getting much better at being able to survive social outings.  I even find that I can enjoy them, most of the time.  But, it's different now.  I'm only about 90% present anymore.  There's always a tiny part of me that isn't there.  The tiny part that is missing Brianna, wishing life had taken a different path.  It's hard to put into words.  I guess that I will forever live my life looking through the lenses of grief.  Always seeing the shadow girl who should be there but isn't.  It's just one of those fundamental changes that occurred when my baby died.  It's a shift in my world, like the Earth tilted ever-so-slightly on it's axis on August 9, 2010 and I'm the only one who can perceive it.

We'll go to the party, we'll socialize, we'll eat crabs and shrimp and corn-on-the-cob.  I'll have a good time, but at the same time know, it could have been sooo much better had there been a little, dark-and-curly-haired baby there with us.  Secretly, I'll probably be wishing that someone, anyone, will ask me about her, will use her name, will want to talk about her.  But, I won't actually bring her into the conversation.  Mostly, because I don't want to make anyone uncomfortable but also because I don't want to get the looks of pity, the change in tone in the voices of others, the awkward silences because they just do not know how to react.  But, if someone does ask, I will talk about my baby girl.  I will let them know that I miss her, but I am not ashamed of her.  That I am proud I was her mom, if only for a short time.  And I will thank them for remembering her.  I will celebrate her in my own way at this "summer celebrations" party.

Children's Garden Spring Clean

I'm not sure if I mentioned this before, but Brianna is buried in an area of the cemetery that is reserved for the internment of babies.  Years ago, a fund-raiser was done by a lovely couple to raise enough money to buy up 50 adjacent plots in the cemetery to be turned into what is now known as the Children's Garden II.  Over $300,000 was raised and the plots were purchased on the edge of the cemetery, near to the woods.  Each one of these "normal" sized plots was subdivided into 4 "baby" sized plots, so eventually, there will be around 200 babies buried here (there actually will probably be a few more because some of the plots already have twins buried together).  Brianna was buried in the 67th plot.  The plots are donated, free-of-charge to families like us, families whose babies are stillborn or die shortly after birth.  Most of the babies buried in the Children's Garden II were delivered at the same hospital where Brianna was stillborn and some of their parents also go to the monthly support group at the hospital that Tim and I have attended since Brianna's death.

(Random thought - I like to imagine that the other babies from the Children's Garden are Brianna's friends in Heaven.  I like to think that some of the "older" babies were there to greet Brianna, give her the tour, explain that her Mommy and Daddy love her very much but couldn't be with her yet.  I also like to imagine that Brianna has also helped to greet the "newer" babies and helped them too.)

Anyhow, last night, Tim and I joined some of the other babylost families at the Children's Garden for a spring clean up.  After a week of unbearable heat and humidity here in the mid-Atlantic, yesterday was an absolutely gorgeous day, with temperatures in the upper 70s and no humidity at all (part of me wonders if the beautiful weather was a gift from our babies).  We planted flowers, trimmed the hedges, cut the grass, and cleaned the headstones.  As I see it, this is our way of taking care of Brianna.  It's a poor substitute for the care we'd rather be giving her.  But, it's all we have.  It's one of the only ways we have to show the world just how much we love her, how much she means to us.

We also had a chance to socialize with the other parents and generally had a good time.  As a lot of you in deadbaby blogland know, it's nice to be with others who get it.  They make me feel like I belong, especially since lately, I don't feel like I belong with all the "normal" people.  Even though I never wanted to be in this "club", I am glad that there is a group of others that have accepted me as I am right now in my grief.  I don't have to worry about what I say making them uncomfortable, because they have the same feelings.  I can mention Brianna, say her name out loud and not get the "looks", the pity, the awkward silences that I get in "normal" company.  I can relax and just be the "new" me.

At the end of the evening, it was nice to look around and see the transformation of the Children's Garden.  It looks well cared for and pretty.  I hope that Brianna and all the other babies can see it and realize it was accomplished out of the love that all of their parents have for them.  I hope it made them smile.

10 Months

Dear Brianna,

Ten months.  Today you would be ten months old.  I don't know what to say about it.  I feel like I'm just repeating myself every month.  I wish you were here.  I wish you hadn't died.  I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe.  I love you more than ever.

Now that it's getting hot outside, more and more memories of last year are flooding in.  Driving to work, pregnant with you, stopping at McDonald's for a sausage McMuffin for breakfast and orange juice.  Keeping you a secret from my coworkers until I thought it was "safe".  Making sure to have tons of snacks at my desk to keep the nausea at bay.  All these memories make me smile, and at the same time, make me want to cry because I miss you so much.

Bree, I will always treasure the memories of you.  I will always miss you and love you.

Happy Birthday, baby girl.

Love always,
Mommy