Dear Brianna,
A year. I just can't believe it's been a year, yet at the same time, I can't believe it's only been a year. In hindsight, time seems to have flown by this past year. But during the year itself, it seemed to be just crawling along. I don't know if that's because of the grief or because I'm getting older or both.
Daddy and I miss you very much. We would have liked to have spent your first birthday watching you eat your cake, getting frosting all over your face and in your hair. Instead, we visited your grave and brought you pink roses and a butterfly balloon. I hope that you can feel our love where you are.
Today, lots of family and friends told us they were remembering you. There are so many of them who love you too. You would have been such a spoiled baby had you lived. Not only would you have had your daddy wrapped around your little finger, but your Granddad H and Papa S too. Not to mention your Grandma H and Nana S and aunts and all the other "aunties" and "uncles". I am so sorry that you are missing out on all that.
Happy Birthday, Brianna. We love you, we miss you, and we always will.
Love,
Mommy
Showing posts with label Letters to Brianna. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Letters to Brianna. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Sunday, July 10, 2011
11 Months
Dear Brianna,
I am sorry that this letter is day late. There's no good excuse for it. I guess I just don't know what to say anymore that's new or different. Eleven months have passed since you left us. And I still miss you. Every. Single. Day.
Yesterday, Daddy and I visited your grave, as we have done on (or near) your birthday every month. This time, we brought 3 sunflowers...a big one, a medium one and a very little one. I hope you like them.
(The flag was put by your grave by Miss Sherri, Abby's mom. I think she was the one who also put the little patriotic rubber duckie there too. She put them at all the babies' graves. I hope you can see them and realize how much all of you are remembered.)
Brianna, I hope that you know just how much I love you and just how much I miss you. You are never far from my thoughts. And, little girl, you will always be a part of this family. You were our first baby and you will forever hold a special place in our hearts.
Happy Birthday, baby girl. I love you.
Love,
Mommy
I am sorry that this letter is day late. There's no good excuse for it. I guess I just don't know what to say anymore that's new or different. Eleven months have passed since you left us. And I still miss you. Every. Single. Day.
Yesterday, Daddy and I visited your grave, as we have done on (or near) your birthday every month. This time, we brought 3 sunflowers...a big one, a medium one and a very little one. I hope you like them.
(The flag was put by your grave by Miss Sherri, Abby's mom. I think she was the one who also put the little patriotic rubber duckie there too. She put them at all the babies' graves. I hope you can see them and realize how much all of you are remembered.)
Brianna, I hope that you know just how much I love you and just how much I miss you. You are never far from my thoughts. And, little girl, you will always be a part of this family. You were our first baby and you will forever hold a special place in our hearts.
Happy Birthday, baby girl. I love you.
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, June 9, 2011
10 Months
Dear Brianna,
Ten months. Today you would be ten months old. I don't know what to say about it. I feel like I'm just repeating myself every month. I wish you were here. I wish you hadn't died. I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe. I love you more than ever.
Now that it's getting hot outside, more and more memories of last year are flooding in. Driving to work, pregnant with you, stopping at McDonald's for a sausage McMuffin for breakfast and orange juice. Keeping you a secret from my coworkers until I thought it was "safe". Making sure to have tons of snacks at my desk to keep the nausea at bay. All these memories make me smile, and at the same time, make me want to cry because I miss you so much.
Bree, I will always treasure the memories of you. I will always miss you and love you.
Happy Birthday, baby girl.
Love always,
Mommy
Ten months. Today you would be ten months old. I don't know what to say about it. I feel like I'm just repeating myself every month. I wish you were here. I wish you hadn't died. I'm sorry I couldn't keep you safe. I love you more than ever.
Now that it's getting hot outside, more and more memories of last year are flooding in. Driving to work, pregnant with you, stopping at McDonald's for a sausage McMuffin for breakfast and orange juice. Keeping you a secret from my coworkers until I thought it was "safe". Making sure to have tons of snacks at my desk to keep the nausea at bay. All these memories make me smile, and at the same time, make me want to cry because I miss you so much.
Bree, I will always treasure the memories of you. I will always miss you and love you.
Happy Birthday, baby girl.
Love always,
Mommy
Monday, May 9, 2011
9 Months
Dear Brianna,
Today, you would be 9 months old. But, since you were born early, had you lived, you would also have what the doctors call an "adjusted" age. So, today, your adjusted age would be 5.5 months old. Who knows what milestones you'd be hitting now? The ones for a 9 month old baby, like sitting up on your own, starting to get up on all fours, starting to try to crawl? Or the ones for a 5.5 month old baby, like rolling over, starting to eat baby food, smiling, laughing? But, baby girl, you'll never hit those or any other milestones. And that makes me sad.
Yesterday, your dad and I visited your grave. We brought you flowers, like we do every month for your birthday. This month, they were yellow roses and as always, there were 3 of them. One for me, one for Daddy and one for you, all together as a family. We miss you very much, baby girl.
Happy Birthday, Brianna. I hope that you know just how much we love you.
Love,
Mommy
Today, you would be 9 months old. But, since you were born early, had you lived, you would also have what the doctors call an "adjusted" age. So, today, your adjusted age would be 5.5 months old. Who knows what milestones you'd be hitting now? The ones for a 9 month old baby, like sitting up on your own, starting to get up on all fours, starting to try to crawl? Or the ones for a 5.5 month old baby, like rolling over, starting to eat baby food, smiling, laughing? But, baby girl, you'll never hit those or any other milestones. And that makes me sad.
Yesterday, your dad and I visited your grave. We brought you flowers, like we do every month for your birthday. This month, they were yellow roses and as always, there were 3 of them. One for me, one for Daddy and one for you, all together as a family. We miss you very much, baby girl.
Happy Birthday, Brianna. I hope that you know just how much we love you.
Love,
Mommy
Saturday, April 9, 2011
8 Months
Dear Brianna,
Spring has come to this part of the world again. The daffodils and forsythias are blooming in abundance, the early trees are blossoming, and it's the Cherry Tree Festival in Washington D.C. this weekend. This has always been my favorite season of the year, when new life springs from the ground. I've always loved the cool mornings that grow into balmy afternoons. I've enjoyed the smell outside just after a spring rain.
But this year, baby girl, my joy of the spring season is clouded just a bit. You should be here, enjoying your first spring. I should be taking you on walks around the neighborhood in the warm evenings. I should be posing you with all the spring flowers and taking lots of photos to post on FaceBook, just like my friends are starting to do with their kids. But, I'm not. Instead, I'll visit your grave today and leave you daffodils and tullips, as my way of sharing this spring with you. I wonder, does Heaven have spring? Do you get to enjoy the flowers and spring rain like I do? I hope so.
Happy 8-month birthday baby. I love you and always will.
Love,
Mommy
Spring has come to this part of the world again. The daffodils and forsythias are blooming in abundance, the early trees are blossoming, and it's the Cherry Tree Festival in Washington D.C. this weekend. This has always been my favorite season of the year, when new life springs from the ground. I've always loved the cool mornings that grow into balmy afternoons. I've enjoyed the smell outside just after a spring rain.
But this year, baby girl, my joy of the spring season is clouded just a bit. You should be here, enjoying your first spring. I should be taking you on walks around the neighborhood in the warm evenings. I should be posing you with all the spring flowers and taking lots of photos to post on FaceBook, just like my friends are starting to do with their kids. But, I'm not. Instead, I'll visit your grave today and leave you daffodils and tullips, as my way of sharing this spring with you. I wonder, does Heaven have spring? Do you get to enjoy the flowers and spring rain like I do? I hope so.
Happy 8-month birthday baby. I love you and always will.
Love,
Mommy
Wednesday, March 9, 2011
7 Months
Dear Brianna,
Seven months ago, your were born and then you died. Or really, you died and then you were born. Or maybe it was both at the same time. I'll never know the exact order of it. We don't know if your heart stopped beating before the c-section or during it. But, we do know that it stopped. And part of me wishes the doctors had been able to start it again, to give you a chance to fight, to feel me holding you, to have you hear your Daddy's voice. But another part of me is glad that they couldn't revive you because I wouldn't have wanted you to feel any pain, having to be hooked up to machines for months on end without knowing if you would live or die.
Baby girl, there are only a few things that I know for certain right now at this point in my life. Two of them are that I love you forever and miss you always. I really hope that wherever you are, you can feel my love for you. And I hope that when I do finally get to see you someday, you'll know who I am right away.
Happy Birthday, Brianna.
Love always,
Mommy
Seven months ago, your were born and then you died. Or really, you died and then you were born. Or maybe it was both at the same time. I'll never know the exact order of it. We don't know if your heart stopped beating before the c-section or during it. But, we do know that it stopped. And part of me wishes the doctors had been able to start it again, to give you a chance to fight, to feel me holding you, to have you hear your Daddy's voice. But another part of me is glad that they couldn't revive you because I wouldn't have wanted you to feel any pain, having to be hooked up to machines for months on end without knowing if you would live or die.
Baby girl, there are only a few things that I know for certain right now at this point in my life. Two of them are that I love you forever and miss you always. I really hope that wherever you are, you can feel my love for you. And I hope that when I do finally get to see you someday, you'll know who I am right away.
Happy Birthday, Brianna.
Love always,
Mommy
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
6 Months
Dear Brianna,
Six months. I can't believe it's been just half a year since I held you in my arms. Yet, I also can't believe it's been only six months as on some days it feels like an eternity. Six months feels like such an important milestone on this grief journey, but I can't explain why exactly. Maybe it's because 6 months is about 26 weeks, which is just about how long I was pregnant with you.
In these past 6 months, I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned that I can have my dreams smashed to bits and somehow manage to keep on moving. I've learned that it's ok to put myself first when I need to. I've learned that I have the capacity to feel, really feel, many emotions deeply, and some all at the same time. But you know what, baby girl? I'd give up all that I've learned in a heartbeat if it meant you could be here with me. Because at the end of the day, I still miss you and want you here with me.
Happy Birthday, Brianna. I love you and always will.
Love,
Mommy
Six months. I can't believe it's been just half a year since I held you in my arms. Yet, I also can't believe it's been only six months as on some days it feels like an eternity. Six months feels like such an important milestone on this grief journey, but I can't explain why exactly. Maybe it's because 6 months is about 26 weeks, which is just about how long I was pregnant with you.
In these past 6 months, I've learned a lot about myself. I've learned that I can have my dreams smashed to bits and somehow manage to keep on moving. I've learned that it's ok to put myself first when I need to. I've learned that I have the capacity to feel, really feel, many emotions deeply, and some all at the same time. But you know what, baby girl? I'd give up all that I've learned in a heartbeat if it meant you could be here with me. Because at the end of the day, I still miss you and want you here with me.
Happy Birthday, Brianna. I love you and always will.
Love,
Mommy
Sunday, January 9, 2011
5 Months
Dear Brianna,
Today is your 5-month birthday. I still can't believe that it's been five months already since you died. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and sometimes it feels like it's been years. Baby, I miss you. These last few days have been really hard. I think about you all the time and have been playing the "should be" game. That's where I think of all the things we should be doing with you. At 5 months, you should be starting to try cereal and start on baby food. You should be smiling and cooing and interacting with us. You should be starting to sit up, with help of course. You should be here with us, stealing your daddy's heart every day and wowwing us with all your accomplishments. But, you're not here. And it hurts, more than I ever thought possible. But, your daddy and I are surviving, a day at a time. It's really all I'm capable of these days.
Baby girl, I hope that you know how much we love you and miss you. You will always be my girl, my first child, my little Neon light. I will always remember you, especially on your birthday.
Happy Birthday Brianna.
Love,
Mommy
Today is your 5-month birthday. I still can't believe that it's been five months already since you died. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and sometimes it feels like it's been years. Baby, I miss you. These last few days have been really hard. I think about you all the time and have been playing the "should be" game. That's where I think of all the things we should be doing with you. At 5 months, you should be starting to try cereal and start on baby food. You should be smiling and cooing and interacting with us. You should be starting to sit up, with help of course. You should be here with us, stealing your daddy's heart every day and wowwing us with all your accomplishments. But, you're not here. And it hurts, more than I ever thought possible. But, your daddy and I are surviving, a day at a time. It's really all I'm capable of these days.
Baby girl, I hope that you know how much we love you and miss you. You will always be my girl, my first child, my little Neon light. I will always remember you, especially on your birthday.
Happy Birthday Brianna.
Love,
Mommy
Thursday, December 9, 2010
4 Months
Dear Brianna,
Today is 12/9/10, your 4 month birthday. Oh, how I wish you were here on this day. How I wish I could kiss your fuzzy head as I wish you a happy 4 month birthday. I wish I could take you to the doctor's office for a check up and we could marvel at how you've grown since your birth. But, baby, you aren't here for any of that.
Today was kind of a hard day for me, baby. I don't know why exactly, but I'm sure it has to do with it being 4 months since I held you. I can't believe it's been that long, it feels like it was just yesterday. And then, it also feels like a lifetime ago. I think it hit me that you really are gone and I won't get to celebrate any birthdays with you. And that makes me very sad, baby girl.
Brianna, I miss you every day. I really wish things were different and that you were here with us. I promise to always remember your birthday, baby.
Love always,
Mommy
Today is 12/9/10, your 4 month birthday. Oh, how I wish you were here on this day. How I wish I could kiss your fuzzy head as I wish you a happy 4 month birthday. I wish I could take you to the doctor's office for a check up and we could marvel at how you've grown since your birth. But, baby, you aren't here for any of that.
Today was kind of a hard day for me, baby. I don't know why exactly, but I'm sure it has to do with it being 4 months since I held you. I can't believe it's been that long, it feels like it was just yesterday. And then, it also feels like a lifetime ago. I think it hit me that you really are gone and I won't get to celebrate any birthdays with you. And that makes me very sad, baby girl.
Brianna, I miss you every day. I really wish things were different and that you were here with us. I promise to always remember your birthday, baby.
Love always,
Mommy
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